Fifty-four percent left on my laptop’s battery life, and I am only mentioning it because of all the “thunder-boomers” happening right now and the fact that the power has already flickered off and then on again twice in the last hour, so I refuse to plug it in - electrocution is not my friend. I was working before that happened, trying to update prices and images on this line of imported Italian trikes, scooters, and miscellany we sell, but alas.
Maybe I should have gone out tonight. I have been feeling super-motivated to work and be productive though, which led me to get up at 6:30 this morning and get to work by 9. Too bad that turned into 9:15 because Elise, she had a breakdown again, she is not handling being dropped off at day care so well. Since she is only going on Mondays and Fridays, they say she is not getting used to it as fast as other kids because it’s so far apart. Like, she forgets that she goes to school on these days and that I leave her there for eight hours. The problem is that every time I drop her off in the morning, it slips her mind that I will indeed come and pick her up again when I get out of work, so she just freaks and screams and cries, and I leave her there two mornings a week in this horrible state, and most of the time, I cry myself on the way to work because I feel so bad about it. But, I am told by the professionals that she will get used to it eventually, and so will I. It just takes time. It’s just hard times.
Anyway, yeah. Should possibly have braved the storms and get out while I can. I have been doing some serious planning and thinking about moving out on my own in the last couple of months, and I am always on the lookout for apartments to rent. Well, I have finally found ones that I really like, but they are in Colchester - about 15 minutes farther away from work than where I live now - it’s like at least a half hour drive to New London from there, and I am not sure I am willing to be that far away, because that would mean spending an awful lot of time at home by myself, because gas is just too damn expensive to drive that far every day, and I’d be willing to bet not many of my friends would ever visit for the same reason. But yeah, they are so nice, and mostly within my price range. It’s a condo/apartment complex that has a “clubhouse,” basketball and tennis courts, a softball field for whatever reason, and a playground for the kiddies. Sounds perfect, the place looks perfect. Am I ready to take the leap though? Not yet - don’t feel financially comfortable yet. But soon, for the love of all that is holy, please soon.
I have been trying to keep myself so busy, and it’s been working out a little too well if you ask me. I haven’t been doing much scrapbooking lately, which is sad, but then again, it keeps me away from Michaels. The website, yeah, it’s been redesigned, like, twice this month, but who cares, really, besides me? That is just a hobby. It’s not like I do it because I think one day I will come up with something spectacular and stick with it for, oh, four months. It’s just something fun to pass the time. Oh, time, how it passes. June is closer to July than it seems, isn’t it. Almost done, and I hope this summer doesn’t slip through my fingers, I hope it gives me some kind of up-lift and smiles and sunshine that I think I am, erm, entitled to. I’ve been working very hard at not being a glum chump, and dang, I wish the insides could be as bright as the outsides, if you know what I mean.
I have also been seriously thinking about taking a weekend - possibly 3 days and 2 nights, vacation to Florida, by myself or with one as yet undetermined other person. My main reason for the short jaunt I yearn for is this. Kayla went to Six Flags last weekend and once she returned I berated her for hours for not taking any opportunity to ride a roller coaster. She is afraid of them, she says, and I say, well, how can you be afraid to ride on one if you have never EVER ridden on one before, hrmm? I feel the need to ride a roller coaster like I feel the need for a cup of coffee in the morning - it’s an empty, hollow feeling in my tummy that wanders up to a tickle in the back of my throat - I think maybe this little bit of thrill will fill me for a while. Or I just need to feel like my heart can beat fast and strong again.
Watch this video (I must have watched 20 on YouTube, and I think this is one of the best), and I hope you’ll see why this has always been my favorite:
Not so sure how he would feel about me putting things that way, since he is such a transient being and all, but for all intents and purposes (of mine) Dave is home. My ray of sunshine, my breath of fresh air, showed up unexpectedly (well, with about ten minutes warning) to Dan’s Galactic Bowling birthday party last night, with girlfriend Ruty in tow, all dark and lean and always, with that smile, that hug.
I am such a bad long distance friend. Always have been, probably always will be. Once you leave the state of Connecticut, no matter how close of a friend you are to me, you can pretty much guarantee that you won’t be hearing from me anymore. I guess I don’t have the attention span for long distance relationships? Or it’s that I hate talking on the phone in long distance situations, because it makes loved ones feel even more far away and lost than they would otherwise. I don’t know. What I do know, is that is has been just over year since I last saw him, and I can count on less than one hand how many times I heard his voice on the telephone since then. Through it all, I still consider him to be one of my very best friends, and absolutely one of the top five favorite people of my entire life. He’s back now, for a while, indefinitely as far as I like to let myself believe. He got pretty emotional last night - he was overwhelmed I guess, about seeing everyone all at once and everyone, well, just being the way we were I guess. Michelle said it best, and it’s just the thing I would have said if she hadn’t said it first, so there it is. We pick things up right where we left off, like no time has passed at all. And the only reason we can keep on doing that is because we keep on loving each other, no matter what.
Dave, my friend, it’s good to have you (and your beautiful family) back in our lives.
Totally unrelated major subject change ahead!
I spent most of today writing policy for my job. My job never had a policy, per se. Like one of those things that you sign when you are hired saying “if you do this, this, this and this, we have the right to fire you.” Well, it’s getting to the point where I’m pretty much running the Internet Sales dept., and if my ass is going to be on the line and be responsible for everything, I thought a policy was in order. To cover my ass, obviously.
What I thought would be a page or two of notes on the do’s and do nots in the workplace turned out to be a twelve page (and counting! I’ll certainly leave it open for amendments!) official and professional as all hell, kick ass document that covers every liability I can personally think of. It’s too bad that only three or four people will probably ever read the thing, or care to read it, because I am pretty damn proud of myself that I could do this. At the same time, I think to myself, well, I pretty much majored in the art of bullshit in high school. I got OK grades, but I know that my highly acceptable GPA was carried by the fact that I got straight A’s in the select few classes where I had the opportunity to write papers. Because I know, and am still for some reason proud of the fact, that I don’t need to know as much as you THINK I know to make you think that I know a lot - because I am just so dang well worded when I make an effort to be. And that’s what seems to matter, in the end. Looks, appearances. I know I can do this job well - I know I can run this business, probably better than my own boss can at this point, but there is no telling that man. I have to make him SEE, I have to IMPRESS. Chaos will ensue if the man can’t take the time to ready every one of those 12 god damned pages when he gets back from his Parisian vacation!!! I’m covering his ass too, after all!!
At any rate, today I found something else that I think I’m exceedingly good at. Professional writing. Definitely not something I would like to do for the rest of my life, or even once again in the next year, but still. Another thing to add to my increasingly long list of “Things I Can Do Well” in my old age, that makes me feel proud of myself, and keeps my chin up. When you feel like you don’t have much to offer the world because the world doesn’t seem to be offering up anything itself for you- every little bit helps to keep getting up in the morning.
Again, another subject change:
As Elise has been getting older, the time seems to be speeding by faster and faster. 2008 is about halfway over with already, case in point. Has anyone else noticed that New Years was oh, um, yesterday? She changes and grows and learns new things constantly, so fast I cannot keep up. With the learning and doing and being 2 and a half, her brattiness increases exponentially every time she wants something unreasonable and we tell her no, but on the other hand, she’s going up and up on the Cute-O-Meter every day as well.
Today she was sitting on the floor in front of her bookcase, and as far as I knew she was studying a book intently, and thus quietly. She turned around, and I noticed that it seemed like she was chewing on something, or sucking on something in her mouth that I couldn’t see. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Do you have something in your mouth?
Elise: No.
Me: Elise, what is in your mouth!?
Elise: Booger! (With a big, proud smile on your face.)
Me: Elise! Did you really eat your boogies?
Elise: No.
Me: Where did you get those boogies?
Elise: ‘Ma nose? (This is posed as a question, as she points to her nose.)
Oh man. What am I gonna do about her, huh? These are hard times, you know? I probably should just let her eat whatever she wants.
Last night I went out to see the new Indiana Jones movie with Brian, and when I tip-toed upstairs at 1am to go to bed, I opened the door and then froze because I heard that Elise was awake. “Mommy home!” she said as I crawled into bed as quietly as possible, hoping that she would just go back to sleep and not think that it was time to get up and play. Then, oh, then I heard the unmistakable sounds of power-puking coming from her crib. I jumped out of bed and turned on the lights, and yes, she was covered in puke. So was her bed, and almost all her stuffed animals and blankets, and a minute later, before I could figure out where to begin with cleaning her and the bed up, there was puke on the floor, and inevitably, on me.
After nearly a half hour I got things cleaned up and settled down. I sat downstairs in the rocking reclining chair with Elise laying on me, making horrible gurgling noises in the back of her throat and her little tummy rumbling away. We both smelled like puke, we both felt terribly tired and probably we were both just as frustrated with the state of things. I tried getting up to bring her back upstairs to a crisp, clean bed, but after taking three or four steps toward the stairs she threw up again, and another half hour later, when all I did was move slightly in the chair and put up the foot rest, again she puked. So, resigned, I sat there in the chair holding my daughter, and just stewed over things from 2 to 5:30am.
I felt awful because all during the day she was being a total brat and I wasn’t being nice to her. We went out shopping to Michaels and Baby’s R’ Us, and the whole time Elise was all “Mine! Mine! Mine!” with everything. She was pulling things off shelves, taking her shoes off in the cart, kicking me, slapping my hands away from her, and whining/crying the whole 45 minutes we were out. The attitude is so not like her, and I was terrified to think that one day in day care – her very first day was Friday! - ruined my daughter’s sweet disposition for life. I couldn’t believe that it only took one day for other kids’ bad habits to rub off on her and turn her into a little demon-toddler that can’t be taken out of the house for fear of horrible public embarrassment. I took her right home, even though there were other things I wanted to do yesterday, fed her lunch and put her down for an early nap, telling her: “I certainly hope you wake up in a better mood, young lady!” Just like that annoying, unthoughtful mom I never wanted to be. Turns out she just didn’t feel good all day. Turns out she was sick, and I didn’t notice. Maybe that’s not my fault – maybe there is no real way of knowing your kid is going to power puke in the middle of the night if their only symptom is acting unusually bratty. But still, I feel guilt, because she wasn’t acting herself, and I knew that at least.
This is the first time Elise has ever been really sick, with a fever and puking and looking exhausted and all that. We have been really lucky to have such a healthy kid and to never have these little sicknesses, so I guess we really had this coming to us, the poor baby.
I realized as she was laying there on me, sleeping on my chest with her head on my shoulder, one little arm wrapped around my neck, the other little hand tucked around my side, that she has never done this before – cuddled like this, for more than a minute – for as long as I can remember. Elise has always been an affectionate kid – she loves giving hugs and kisses and will do either if we ask, whenever I ask. But she has never been one of those kids that will fall asleep on mommy’s shoulder when she’s tired in the afternoon and we’re out shopping, you know what I mean? I see those kids all the time, kids her age, that just succumb to that tiredness and fall asleep in their mother’s arms. I see that all the time and I admit I get so jealous over it – silly, perhaps, but why can’t my kid just relax and let mommy take care of her? Why is Elise such an independent wild child that does things all her own way? I’m lucky, having things the way they are, right?
By 5am I could barely keep my eyes open, I was so tired, so unbelievably tired. Sitting up in an uncomfortable chair holding a hot, sweaty, stinky kid is a lot different than staying out til 5am partying with friends. How is it more tiring? I don’t know. But at that point, I didn’t care anymore about being tired or being covered in vomit – I was actually loving every minute of it. Being that Elise is not one to do this kind of thing under normal circumstances, I thought I might as well enjoy the cuddle time any way I can. And it wasn’t even about the cuddling at that point – it was about realizing, maybe for the first time in the two and a half years that she has been with us, that she needs me, that she depends on me. And no matter what happens over the course of our lives, that will always be the same, one way or another. I will always love her this much, I will always be there for her when she get up in the night and is sick, I will always be there for her. This is my job, being her mom, it is the most important thing I have ever done and ever will do – and times like last night when she is literally clinging to me, shaking and sick and scared, I feel like nothing else in the whole world matters but her, when it comes down to it, nothing matters more than being able to be what she needs me to be, and being there when she needs me. I don’t consider myself to be a bad mom, but I certainly have not been paying close enough attention to this beautiful little creature of mine, I haven’t been as attentive as I could have been, I haven’t been enough.
What’s wrong with me, that I never figured this out before? I guess I always knew there was something wrong with me. I wish I could figure it all out before it’s too late.
Yes, I am still here. I did not go to Philly and never come back because I followed Robert Smith around the country with Alisha (although that would not have been a bad idea.) I guess I have just been busy and haven’t had the urge to go online and write about anything - anything at all, really.
As far as The Cure goes though, there will be a full story once I take an hour or so out of my life to put all the pictures and video online so that I can blog properly. Yes that’s right. Pictures AND video.
I’ve been busy at work lately, and tired a lot. Tuesday dinners have been eventful and fun, this past weekend was a blast with picnics and friends and relaxing.
I have been reading a lot. You can see what books I have been reading lately (and not-so-lately, because I just got sucked into adding more and more books to that list that I had read a while back) over at Goodreads.
This morning Brad escorted me to the Coastal Digestive Diseases office in New London for my very first endoscopy. Isn’t that special. I wanted to ask the doctor if I could have pictures and/or a copy of the video from the camera on the end of the long scope they shoved down my throat, but unfortunately the anesthesia worked a little better than I thought it would, and I was completely unconscious throughout the procedure. Or maybe I was conscious. But I don’t remember a damn thing. I should get the results back in a week to find out if I have
A bacteria in my stomach that is eroding the lining of my stomach and esophagus
Ulcers
A disease in which your immune system attacks a part of your body, thinking it’s bad tissue (can’t spell that one!) or…
Cancer of the stomach and/or esophagus
YAY! Don’t those all sound like cool afflictions? As long as they keep letting me take my Prevacid, I think I’ll live a while longer.
Obviously, I haven’t been too happy lately. Obviously I built my life around someone, and that was a big mistake. Sure, I’ve been smiling, and yes, I have been having fun with my friends, I have been playing with Elise past her bedtime most nights, I have been working overtime. But that isn’t because I am well adjusted and resilient. It’s all because I’m not okay. Because I don’t think I will be okay for a long time, and because its easier to get up in the mornings facing full, busy days. Less time to think about how fucked up everything, really, always was. Less time to think about him.
For weeks I had been telling myself that I was not going to go see The Cure without John. Eight years ago, he and I went to shows back to back in the week of my high school graduation - all these years later, I would be hard pressed to say that was not the best week of my life. I thought to myself that I would never be able to enjoy the show without him there next to me. I would be too filled with those memories, too sad to have him gone from that place, too broken-hearted to be able to hear that music, which obviously floods me with amazing memories of him. Friends told me to rip the tickets to shreds - I told them they cost $300. They told me to sell them. I couldn’t do it. I just can’t let go of it all yet.
It was eight years ago now. Philadelphia, our dividing line. That’s where I am going back to tomorrow.
THIS IS MY LIFE!
Eight years have gone by since that “best day,” but you know what? That couldn’t have been the best day, it can’t have been. There were seventeen years gone by before that day, before that Cure show, or John, were even a blink in my eyes. My life did not begin with his name, and I’ll be damned if I let it end there.
So tomorrow. Off to Philly with my best friend. Who truly is, turns out, the best I could ever get.
I’ve been refreshing Chain Of Flowers for the last three hours to see the live updated set list from the show The Cure is playing tonight in Virginia, and it goes something like this:
Setlist: Plainsong, Prayers For Rain, A Strange Day, alt.end, The Walk, The End of The World, Lovesong, To Wish Impossible Things, Pictures of You, Lullaby, The Perfect Boy (new song!), From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea, Hot Hot Hot, The Only One, Push, Friday I’m In Love, Inbetween Days, Just Like Heaven, Primary, Shake Dog Shake, Never Enough, Wrong Number, One Hundred Years, Disintegration
1st encore: At Night, M, Play For Today, A Forest (long intro)
2nd encore: Lovecats, Let’s Go To Bed, Freakshow, Close To Me, Why Can’t I Be You
Pictures of You, huh? That’s the one song I always wanted to hear live but they never played. I’d be thrilled if the set doesn’t change a bit before tomorrow.. and a 3rd encore? Yeah, there’s probably one of those, too, but I’ll skip the wait tonight. We’ve a long drive ahead of us tomorrow morning…
Oh, and kind of like my last trip to NYC, I will be Twittering as much of the trip as I possibly can, so stay tuned:
Just realized there is not enough of this in my life:
Also, I stay up too late most nights.
I made this laptop cover tonight, but I made mine out of brown fleece and a light blue with brown polka dots material of some sort. What I learned from this experiment: I suck with the textiles. As long as it keeps dirt from getting into my computer when I haul it around everywhere, it’s good enough for me.
Brittany and I took Elise and Savanah to the Children’s Museum in Niantic, and the kids had a blast. It seemed kind of boring to me, but I suppose that anything you do to get kids out of the house and playing with new toys and other kids is an exciting, fascinating thing. Elise was particularly fascinated with the organ they have there - she sat on the organ bench and played that thing until I dragged her away (about 10 minutes of horrible organ music was enough fun for me) and she loved the stairs. Now, I don’t get why she loved the stairs. It was the little ramp/stair combo that had about three steps to it, and Elise and Savanah both ran up and down that thing FOR-EVER! Which is strange because Elise is not fond of regular stairs - hand-holding is a must, and she still won’t even try to go down the big flight of stairs in our house by herself. All in all, the kids loved the museum, and we’ll go back soon. You can see more of the pictures from our trip to the museum on Flickr.
It was Shane’s B-day last week and the coolest of us headed to Kream to drink … lots. Mostly martinis were had, but I have been quite fond of the refreshing Corona with lime as of late. I suppose we all got too drunk, and took too many pictures of ourselves dancing around the place like fools, showing too much boob, and putting our drinks down our shirts. For what reason? Oh, I dunno. Like I said, drunk. I have been having a lot of fun with my friends lately, and I have been going out with them much more than I ever used to. In this photo, Carissa is on my left, and Audra on my right (well, if you are looking at the picture. In real life, that was actually backwards, but whatever.) I have always loved Carissa but have never spent much time with her or talked with her at length until lately. She is totally the kind of girl I need in my life, with a six year old daughter and a good head on her shoulders, she is the kind of girl I need to be looking up to at this point, as well as a good friend to be having on my side. And Audra, well, (hi Audra!) I had a bad first impression of her I guess, but the girl is growing on me. Nothing but smiles and laughter when we see each other, and that’s a refreshing as those Corona’s with lime. Mmm.. Summer’s *almost* here.
April 19th was spent in New York City with Brian and Bart, for Brian’ birthday. We spent most of the day on St. Marks at the St. Marks Ale House, of course, and I bought Brian a kick-ass pair of shoes at the swank little shoe store on that street, too. Anyway, after far too many Red Bull & Vodka’s later, we took a couple of trains down to Ground Zero, and this is one of four pictures I took with my phone. This was the first time in all these years that I have gone down there, and immediately there are things about this area that struck me: it’s quieter down there. Maybe it’s just the block or so surrounding the place, but it feels quieter, slower, and stuck in a time that is far removed from everything else in the bustling city. We walked around two blocks and didn’t see a place to really get up close and view the… ermm pit. Not sure what to call what is left of where the WTC buildings were, but it is pretty much just a pit. We finally came to a corner where there was a gap in the chain-link fence that surrounded the whole thing, and there were probably twenty or so people crowded around this little opening like we were, trying to get a few shots. This is as close as we could get, and that is fine with me. I was surprised that after all this time, I still got really choked up when I saw this hole in the skyline, this hole in the city I love. I guess it was just being reminded again, in a very in-your-face way, that we are not safe, none of us are. We are not safe. And that’s sad, and it’s scary, and being reminded of it just plain sucks.
Lastly, today Kayla got a real bad Boo-Boo. She and my grandmother went to the town dump to drop off some garbage, and somehow a piece of metal popped out of one of the bags and cut her belly open as she was throwing the bag in the dumpster. It’s strange because we all wracked our brains to think of what sharp thing could have been thrown in our trash recently that could have done this, but we are all at a loss. The hardcore 13 year old beotch went and got her first four stitches and didn’t shed a tear. I have new respect for my little sis today. Plus she let me take some cool gory pictures.
